So, I have decided that I am going to post what I think.
I have started to strongly think that life is what you make it. I always say that. Everyone always says that. But I guess I never really thought about it. Life is what I MAKE IT. I can be happy, I can be smart, I can be successful, I can be strong, I can be beautiful, I can be good. I can be whatever I want to be, making my life the way I want it to be. Of course it will be hard and of course it will take time, but I can make it happen. I believe that with all of who I am because I WANT it so bad. I want ALL of those things.
Do you ever feel like your surrounded by nothing but negativity? Like, not actually, but you just feel like all you can think about are negative poo-ey things? Things that don't make you happy, things really don't matter and are so silly but that feel so real for some reason? Yesterday was one of those days. It started off like every other day. But then I started thinking about stuff and things I have do and I started stressing out. Then, like an hourglass with grains of sand falling, one right after another, negative things started popping into my head. Well, not just popping. It felt like they were slamming into my head. They circled around and around and just wouldn't leave. Worries, doubts, fears, insecurities, jealousies, everything. I couldn't get them out of my head and I hated it. I knew that I shouldn't care about them because they didn't really matter but I just could not get them out, no matter how hard I tried. Seriously, I haven't ever experienced anything like it. It got me all confused and really upset - Why can't I just let go? Why can't I just forget about it? I am a pretty positive guy and can usually shut stupid crap stuff out of my mind. Why can't I right now? Of course, the confusion and anger only made it all worse.
Rehearsal was pretty long last night, as it was our first tech rehearsal and everything was thrown at us. All things considered, it was a pretty good run, as first runs go, with everything the cast had to deal with (set pieces, costumes, wigs, props, mics, etc.). Even so, I felt like Mr. FloppyMcFailure because of the AWFUL mood I was in. Seriously. It was awful. I tried to be as good as I could but I felt like poo.
I got home and let everything out to my sweetie. Really, she is my sweetie. She is so sweet and understanding and patient and loving and perfect for me. She didn't really know what to say because, what do you even say? She just held me and listened and loved.
Then I got out my Book of Mormon. (I don't read it nearly as much as I should. The one I grabbed was the copy I used on my mission. It has EVERYTHING highlighted and markings next almost every verse, which you would think would be super distracting and confusing but it is actually the opposite for me. In this copy, I tabbed all of the Christlike Attributes from Preach My Gospel in verses as I read them; not every time each attribute was mentioned, but ones that I liked specifically at that time.) Not knowing where or what to read, I flipped to the last tab for Charity/Love. Why not. Moroni 7:39-48.
39 But behold, my beloved brethren, I judge better things of you, for I judge that ye have faith in Christ because of your meekness; for if ye have not faith in him then ye are not fit to be numbered among the people of his church.
40 And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?
41 And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.
42 Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.
43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart.
44 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptable before God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.
45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.
I've read those words so many times and I have always loved and appreciated them. But never have they had such a strong and profound affect on me. After I read those verses everything I was obsessing over in my mind melted out and away. I cried some more but it felt so good. Like everything would be OK and that I CAN make my life the way I want it to be. I just have to be good.
"Do good and be good." That's what my mom and I always wrote to each other during my mission. When you think about it it's pretty simple. And that's all that's asked of us, really, if you put it simply.
"As I have loved you, love one another."
I think that love is the key to everything. I mean, if you think too hard about those verses above it can get a little confusing - You can't have love without hope and you can't have hope without faith and you can't have faith without love - wait. What? So, you just have all three, right? To me, faith and hope are so important in life. Whatever it is you have faith in, whatever it is you hope for. You need to have faith in something. You need to hope for something. I need to. And the key to having both, to me, is love. Your heart will be open to things. You will be patient, understanding, accepting, willing, and ready. AND AND AND. You will be more able to make your life the way you want it to be.
That's my philosophy anyway. Well, that's what I learned from my experience last night. It's so simple and something that I've been taught since I was a tiny one. It seems like the simple little things in life are the ones that we need to be reminded of the most, the ones that are the most important to remember.